Existential

I'd like to not exist
Than to live this life as it is
To see suffering all around
With no eyelids in pain

 
Speed run through the stages of grieve
In one 45 minute commute
Parents ununderstanding
Mother unempathising

Lip service
Shallow words
They call autism an affliction
Like an Victorian dame with the consumption

They don't get it
They never will
But some days I hope
And then after I hurt

I rarely hope
but at the times I do
When it dies I hurt
And I grieve through and through

The knife holds temptation
To make my pain visual
Red, the colour of blood
Cherries ripened by despair

Lost. Loss. Lose the hope
I don't want it why bother
It heralds despair
Depression
Sadness at disconnection

Cut
Pain
Want
Hurt
Blood

Must not
Will not
Why why why does the psyche create hope
Hope always dies, pain always follows

Death
Sweet death
I yearn for thee

Silence at last
Please come for me
Take me to the silence
Where I won't be tortured by hope